


silence or weeping

by The Master of the Deck (officiumdefunctorum)



Series: on wednesdays we whump [2]
Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Book 07: A Crown of Swords, Claustrophobia, Dissociation, Gen, Madness, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Unbeta'd, Warning for Lews Therin, We Die Like Men, Whump, on wednesdays we whump, or somewhere thereabout, tainted saidin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/officiumdefunctorum/pseuds/The%20Master%20of%20the%20Deck
Summary: Lews Therin doesnotlike Cadsuane.
Series: on wednesdays we whump [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1661389
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	silence or weeping

**Author's Note:**

> Look, you can't tell me Lews Therin would have just sat there quiet when an "Aes Sedai" called him **boy**.
> 
> (Created as part of the "On Wednesdays We Whump" for WoT Trash discord. Invite at the end!)

It was just a door.

Rand’s hand trembled, and he clenched his fist until it stopped. It was just a door, and it was useless to stand out here waiting to either be summoned inside or seen loitering by a passing servant.

It was just a door—and the narrow windowed, disused guest house beyond.

Why Cadsuane had insisted on meeting here, Rand could guess. He’d call it cruel—she knew about the box, she  _ knew _ —but Rand didn’t think his personhood mattered to Cadsuane enough to warrant cruelty, only calculation.

To her, he was a tool. A broken tool, but one she would still put to use.

_ Open the door. You have no choice, you need her. Min says that she has something important to teach you, and you must do whatever it takes to win The Last Battle. Whatever it takes. _

His hands trembled again, and the anticipation of what would happen during this meeting, during  _ every  _ meeting, with Cadsuane made his heart beat faster.

Lews Therin stirred somewhere inside of him, like a restless beast. Rand’s agitation always roused the madman in his head, eventually.

_ Burn me _ , thought Rand, pressing fingers to his face, tired eyes stinging for want of sleep.  _ Not this, not again. _

“Come in, boy,” came Cadsuane’s voice from within. “I know you’re standing out there like some shamefaced farmhand. Don’t keep me waiting.”

There was no build-up, no warning.

Like a burst dam, a wash of rage flooded Rand’s body, and with it came Lews Therin’s own.  _ Light _ , he couldn’t even separate the two.

**_She dares_ ** , hissed the madman, and Rand felt him reaching for saidin, for that sick-sweet power.  **_She calls me boy,_ ** **me!** **_I am Lord of the Morning!_ **

Jerking his head to the side, like he was forcing down vomit, Rand kept saidin from him. He could manage to keep the one power from Lews Therin’s grasp, but there was nothing to stop his voice from permeating Rand’s thoughts, to stop him raging in Rand’s ears.

**_You tolerate too much from this woman. This_ ** **Aes Sedai** **_. Cast her from this place; shield her and be done with it!_ **

The choice he had made while inside that box had done this to him. He had acknowledged Lews Therin, had communed with him, had broken to pieces alongside him. In the box, they had wept together.

**_Oh, Light, we cannot go in there. Not back into the dark. No more, no more, madman!_ **

Rand had been grateful for it, at the time. Now, though… The box was done. The ordeal behind him, he needed to forget it and move on, but his  _ voice _ . Light, Rand could do nothing to keep Lews Therin’s intrusive voice at bay, though he had tried and tried.

**_Why will you not listen, you fool! She will betray us, betray us like the others. Kill her!_ **

Grunting, Rand jerked his head once more, refusing to speak to Lews Therin, but forcing him momentarily away.

If Rand kept a level head, if he avoided channeling, if he avoided stressful situations... then Lews Therin was concerned only with Ilyena, or was quiet.

Even the rare times when Rand was content and comfortable with Min or in solitude, it was the choice of silence or weeping. 

_ The door _ , Rand told himself.  _ She knows you’re here, go inside. You’re only delaying the inevitable. _

**_I will not listen to this woman again; her ignorant arrogance irks me. Threats, from her? I will teach her humility!_ **

Opening himself to the void, trying to empty his mind of emotion while Lews Therin clawed for the power, raged at the idea of soliciting anything but an apology from Cadsuane Melaidhrin, Rand turned the handle and stepped into the dim confines of the Cairhienen royal guest house.

* * *

Every part of Rand was focused on keeping even breaths. If he faltered, he might lose control of himself, or worse, Lews Therin. To Cadsuane, he could give away nothing, no weakness. Not to her. Already she walked over him, belittled his every deed and ambition.

Were these Rand’s own thoughts? Or his?

**_Kill her_ ** , snarled Lews Therin.

Cadsuane was speaking, but it was so  _ hard  _ to hear anything but the litany of the madman in his head. Rand felt himself slipping further, into the void or something else, he didn’t know. Breathing in strict time, struggling to keep Lews Therin from the power for the duration of this conversation with the Aes Sedai, it was his only thought.

_ It wasn’t this hard, last time. He is getting stronger, or I, weaker. _

“—listening to me, boy?”

Red spots clouded Rand’s vision and his breath faltered. Atop his thighs, his hands spasmed, and Rand clenched his fists slowly tight once more. He turned a lifeless gaze more fully on Cadsuane, and Lews Therin  _ howled _ .

**_Kill her, break her before she puts us in another box! This one would do it in a moment if she thought it suited her purposes._ **

Making the effort to unclench his jaw, feeling nausea roll inside of him, Rand blinked once, slowly, before speaking. “Forgive me, Cadsuane Sedai. I am... tired.”

“We’re all tired, boy,” said the woman, her pitiless gaze scrutinizing his clenched hands along with every other motion of his body. “It’s no excuse for laziness or rudeness. This is important.”

**_The box, the box,_ ** moaned Lews Therin.  **_Too hot, not enough air, get us out!_ **

The guest house was far from small or stifling, but it was  _ dark _ , and the stone walls and narrow curtained windows seemed to press in on Rand like the closing lid of the trunk in which he’d been kept. Pain both real and phantom echoed in his joints, and Rand blinked at Cadsuane again, Lews Therin’s increasing agitation feeding his own.

“Time presses, Cadsuane Sedai,” said Rand, doing everything he could to keep a tremor out of his voice—light, he wanted this  _ done _ —“If you have some insight into how we might handle the rebels, or some other wisdom, please go on with it.”

Eyes narrowed, Cadsuane instead began a short lecture on his respect, or lack-thereof, for women wearing the shawl.

The Flame of Tar Valon haunted his nightmares. Whips of air and burning tendrils of invisible, fiery saidar. Light, but the  _ last  _ thing Rand wanted to do was think about Aes Sedai and their veneration.

**_They beat us, humiliated us_ ** , raged Lews Therin.

_ Stop,  _ thought Rand.  _ Please, just leave me be. Min says I need her, that she must teach me something. _

Rand didn’t have time to notice that Cadsuane had stopped speaking.

**_A lesson, yes, teach her a lesson. The power, saidin, give it to me!_ **

Eyes widening, Rand jerked violently where he sat across from Cadsuane, feeling the one power flood into him.

_ No, no, no, _ Rand thought, panicked.  _ Not here. Not now! _

Throwing his pride to the wind, Rand released the void. Breath puffing through his nostrils, he hunched his body forward, clenching fists in his hair, and  _ wrenched  _ saidin away from Lews Therin with monumental effort. Too late, though; he was already filled with the power.

**_Out, get us out!_ ** Cried Lews Therin.  **_Kill her!_ **

“No, no, no, I  _ won’t _ ,” Rand heard himself saying, realizing he had been muttering along with Lews Therin, denying him aloud.

**_The power,_ ** **use it!**

Gaining his feet in a swift, graceless movement, Rand was too preoccupied to feel any pleasure at Cadsuane’s flinch.

Rand looked up to the darkness of the rafters, opened his palms, and channeled.

Above their heads, a gateway sliced horizontally through the roof where it met the walls and support beams. In a groaning of stone and timber, unseen but for falling dust at the edges, the entirety of the roof fell through the gateway and somewhere into the middle of the Areth Ocean.

A moment of pure suspension passed, still and heavy. Rand breathed, waiting.

A torrent of saltwater splashed up from the open gateway and spilled over its edges. It washed over the walls into the courtyard beyond and flooded the floor of the guest house.

Rand released the weave, and the gateway snapped closed.

The silence that followed was the sweetest thing that Rand had ever heard, and above him, the sky was blue and clear.

It was such a relief, the silence, and the open expanse of  _ sky _ , that Rand could have wept.

Sensing movement, Rand noticed Cadsuane lifting her skirts free of the standing seawater. The tingle of saidar was enough to set him on edge, again. This time, without a thought, he slammed a shield between Cadsuane and the source.

Shock and outrage shone clear on her ageless face; it was enough to tell him that she had not expected that, thinking him cowed. Thinking he  _ trusted _ . When she looked about to speak, Rand held up a hand to stop her.

“Please, Cadsuane Sedai, do not,” he said, his voice flat. “In the future, we will agree upon a place to meet. You may extract an apology from me later, but for now, leave.”

Eventually, after a pointed silence and meaningful look at the roof and the floor, Cadsuane glided out of the house.

Only when she had put some distance between them did Rand release her shield. He slowly sank down onto his vacated chair, the sunlight reflecting off of the water around him.

_ Dramatic _ , he thought, wryly.  _ I’ll pay for that later. _

For now, though, Rand sat, and enjoyed the sunlight, and the silence. After all, only one of them could be counted upon to last.

**Author's Note:**

> join the [Wheel of Time Trash discord](https://discord.gg/XUvCR2z) for shipping, fic, prompts, headcanons, and general flailing about this stupid series that we all love for some reason


End file.
